Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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