Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize