Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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