Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
