So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
