oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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