Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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