im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Are we still banned from the library?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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