Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
