I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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