The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize