We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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