We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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