tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
