the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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