Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
