my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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