I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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