There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
