grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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