just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
