I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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