oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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