just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize