I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
