I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
