My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
