I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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