What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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