Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
