Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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