Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
