Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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