You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
