i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
