I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
