Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
