Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He had one of those small greek statue penises
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
