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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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