HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
