Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
