Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
