please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
