Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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