I just pynch a tree in the face
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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