I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
