oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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