Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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