I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
