We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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