I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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