I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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