I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
