rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
