Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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